Sweeney Todd: New and Improvised
by Spoofers-Anonymous
Summary: Are ya aching. Yup yup. For some pies? Yup yup. They're good meat pies. Yup yup. You can be a meat pie too! Oi! Please R
1. Let it begin

Author's note: Doomed angel (Doom) and whyistherumgone (Skippy) here! This is a parody of Sweeney Todd that we've been working on! We hope you have as much fun reading it as we've had writing it! And now for the extremely long disclaimer!

Disclaimer: We do not own the following:

Sweeney Todd or any of it's lovely characters

Whose line is it anyway?

Pirates of the Caribbean

Ice Age

Juice boxes

The piano

And I'm sure. there are other things we forgot. We do own: Skippy, Doom and the word sexeh. XD

Enjoy!

The Black Pearl sails into the harbor. A very feminine boy is standing on the deck. This…is Anthony.

Anthony: My God, dramatic pause and hair flip I have awesome hair.

Random audience member: He's gay isn't he?

Sweeney Todd pops out of nowhere

Sweeney: No, my hair is much better.

Two girls walk out. The shorter one is dressed as a pirate. This is Skippy. The other girl is dressed normal…for the time period. This is Mercedes.

Mercedes: My name is not Mercedes!

Narrator: How about Tickle me Emo?

Tickle me Emo: No! Just Doom.

Skippy: Are you arguing with the narrator?

Sweeney: walks up to camera Who are you all talking to? I'm free to play Jack the Ripper.

Doom: You'd best start believing in fan fictions Mr. Todd. You're in one.

Doom and Skippy jump off the ship and into a speed boat.

Skippy: Weee! Faster!

Anthony: Oh, my God! hair flip They're gone!

Sweeney: That was weird…Anyway, back to the story.

They walk off the ship.

Sweeney: You know, I've told this story many times before, I think the only way to really do it is interpretative dance! starts dancing

Anthony: to mirror My God, I love you.

In the background, Skippy and Doom are trying to avoid crashing.

Skippy: Captain! Iceberg ahead!

Doom: That's not an iceberg that's the doooooock!!

Doom and Skippy: AHHHH!!

They both jump out of the boat and land in top of Anthony.

Anthony: My hair!! runs to the bathroom

He comes back out with hair curlers.

Anthony: So, Mr. Todd. When will I see you again? We should have a sleepover! We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles! Mr. Todd? Mr. Todd? Hey!

Sweeney: walks away

Super fast walking scene through London.

Sweeney: Stop the ride!

Skippy: Weeee!

Doom: Ahhhh!

They all come stumbling drunkenly out of an alley.

Sweeney: What just happened?

Doom: Hey, we're on the other side of town already.

Skippy: Again! Again!

All three of them wander into Mrs. Lovett's pie shop. Mrs. Lovett is at the counter pounding the crap out of a piece of dough.

Dough: Ow! Stop!

Mrs. Lovett: Must kill dough. Ah, customers! Wait, what's your rush what's your hurry?

Doom: We were just-

Mrs. Lovett: You gave me such a fright, I thought you was a ghost!

Skippy: with a sheet over her head Wooo!

Mrs. Lovett: Half a minute can't ya sit? Sit ya down sit! shoves Sweeney into a chair

Doom: We really don't have the time-

Mrs. Lovett: All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks.

Sweeney: I wonder why.

Mrs. Lovett: Did you come here for a pie sir? looking at Sweeney

Doom: And what are we, next door neighbors?

Skippy: Oh I'm starving! I'd love one!

Mrs. Lovett: Do forgive me if my heads a little vague. What was that? throws bug on ground

Doom: Oh my God! stomps on bug

Mrs. Lovett: But you'd think we had the plague. From the way the people, keep avoiding, no you don't! smashes bug

Skippy: O.o

Mrs. Lovett: Heaven knows I try sir! But there's no one comes in even to inhale.

Skippy: inhales Gak!

Doom: whacks Skippy on back Breathe!

Mrs. Lovett: Right you are sir would you like a drop of ale?

Skippy: Alcohol!

Doom: No alcoholic beverages for you! hands Skippy a juice box

Skippy: Squee!

Mrs. Lovett: Mind you I can hardly blame them, these are probably the worst pies in London!

Sweeney: pokes pie Is this edible?

Doom: stabs pie with fork It's ok! I killed it!

Mrs. Lovett: I know why nobody pays to take them, I should know, I make 'em, but good? No. The worst pies in London.

Doom: Even that's polite.

Mrs. Lovett: The worst pies in London, if you doubt it take a bite!

Skippy: Don't do it Sweeney!

Sweeney: takes bite and chokes

Skippy: I'll save you!

Doom and Skippy begin hitting Sweeney on the back. Mrs. Lovett is oblivious.

Mrs. Lovett: Is that just disgusting?

Sweeney: gasp Yes!

Mrs. Lovett: You'll have to concede it. Here drink this

Doom: You'll need it.

Sweeney: gulps it down

Doom: It looks like it's molting.

Sweeney: And tastes like…

Skippy: Well…

Doom: Stop the singing!

They all look at her.

Doom: hehe

Mrs. Lovett: It's gonna take a lot more than ale to get that taste out.

Sweeney: You could say that again.

Mrs. Lovett: It's gonna take a lot more than ale to get that taste out.

They all walk into the parlor. Mrs. Lovett hands Sweeney gin.

Skippy: Alcohol!

Doom: No down girl! hands Skippy another juice box

Skippy: Weee!

Mrs. Lovett: Ok kiddies! Story time!

Doom and Skippy sit on the floor cross legged, Skippy happily drinking her juice box.

Doom: How long will this take because-

Mrs. Lovett: Once upon a time there was this really sexeeeh barber. Oh yeah, and he had a wife. But she's not important! Because he was…dramatic pause sexeeh!

Skippy: And he was beautiful.

Doom: Just drink your juice box.

Mrs. Lovett: Ahem.

Doom: Sorry.

Mrs. Lovett: And then there was this really ugly man who wanted his wife.

Doom: le gaspe

Mrs. Lovett: So anyway, he sent the pretty man to prison

Skippy: Nooo!

Mrs. Lovett: So the moral of the story is?

Sweeney: Prison sucks.

Doom: So what happened to his wife?

Mrs. Lovett: They say she killed herself.

Doom: So what really happened?

Mrs. Lovett: She killed her self.

Doom: Oh, you need to make that clearer.

Skippy on the piano.

Skippy: Dun dun dun! Hehe sorry

Doom: So how'd she do it?

Mrs. Lovett: Arsenic.

Sweeney: Noooo!

Mrs. Lovett: So it is you. Benjamin Barker.

Doom: That's a gay name. I see why you changed it.

Skippy: Yeah, you're new name is much sexeher

Sweeney: It' Todd now. Sweeney Todd. And he will have his revenge.

Skippy: on piano Dun dun…dun!

Author's note: And there you have it! Chapter two is nearly done and we are always thinking of more ideas for future chapters. Reviews are awesome! And if you review we'll send you a duck and if you review right now you'll also get the packaging it comes in!


	2. That's what ya get

Author's note: We want to apologize for those of you who reviewed and did not get a duck. We will send your money and- well we keep your- but we'll send you a nice note. XD Enjoy chapter 2 of Sweeney Todd: New and Improvised.

Love,

Skippy and Doom

Disclaimer: Just go look at our page XD

All four of them walk into the old barber shop. Mrs. Lovett opens a secret compartment in the floor.

Doom: Ooooo.

She takes out Sweeney's box of razors/

Sweeney: Yes! The precious! strokes razor

Mrs. Lovett: wishes she was a razor Should we go now?

Sweeney: Leave me.

Mrs. Lovett: Fine! mumbles angrily under her breath

Skippy: crying That razor has the most beautiful voice.

Skippy and Doom follow Mrs. Lovett into the pie shop.

Skippy: crying That razor, has the most beautiful voice!

Mrs. Lovett: Why are you still here?

Doom: We want a job.

Mrs. Lovett: What can you do?

Skippy: I rock hard on the triangle! ding Oh yeah.

Doom: She can sweep. And I can bake.

Mrs. Lovett: You're hired!

XXX

The story switches to Anthony who is wandering aimlessly in the street, holding a map upside down in his hands.

Anthony: I have no idea where I'm going but I'm gonna look good doing it!

He looks up to see Joanna singing to her birds.

Anthony: gasp: That girl's hair is almost as nice as mine! The window is closed and I can't hear her but I'm sure she sounds great!

He walks into the middle of the road, still watching Joanna. He doesn't notice the carriage heading straight for him. It is being driven by none other than Doom and Skippy.

Doom: Woohoo!

Skippy: Weee!

They crash into Anthony and the carriage goes flying down the street. Skippy and Doom crawl out of the wreckage.

Skippy: Must've hit a reef.

Anthony: My hair!

Doom: No matter, carry on!

They take off down the street. Turpin opens his front door and looks over at Anthony.

Turpin: You! Boy who just got run over!

Anthony: Me?

Turpin: Do you see anyone else who just got run over?

Anthony? No.

Turpin: Then yes you!

He invites Anthony into his house.

Turpin: Behold! My library of porn!

The Beadle comes out with a trumpet and plays a dramatic tune.

Anthony: O.o I feel awkward. My mommy says I'm not allowed to look at that kind of stuff.

Turpin: You must embrace the porn! You must eat, sleep and breathe the porn! Porn. Is. Life!

Anthony: I'm sorry but I already have an obsession. tosses hair You're just jealous. Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.

Turpin: Noo! Porn is life! rips off jacket to show a Life is Good T-shirt that says Life is Porn

Anthony: Noo!

Turpin: Beadle!

Beadle: Yes milord, I'm coming milord, here I am milord!

Turpin: Remove the non believer!

Beadle: Did you show him the chart?

Tupin: He doesn't believe!

Beadle: Oh, milord, k, milord!

Anthony: What a sad, strange little man.

5 seconds later Anthony goes flying out the door

Anthony: Ahhh! hits ground I'm okay!

Beadle: I'm worthy to kick your ass but I need to go take care of Turpin.

Anthony: I feel you-

Doom: Kick his ass!

Skippy and Doom beat up Anthony.

In St. Dunstan's Market

Sweeney: Where have you two been?

Doom: Oh, you know, just hanging around.

Skippy: We went to ummm Cleveland!

Doom: Africa!

Sweeney: Really?

Doom: No. That would've been cool though.

Mrs. Lovett: We're here to see the I-talian. All the rage he is.

Fangirls: We love you Pirelli!

Doom: knocks them out Die fan girls!

Skippy: Good police work officer Doom.

Sweeney: You're police?

Doom: No. Doom and Skippy put on sunglasses Look into the light. click

Sweeney: What happened? Where am I?!

Mrs. Lovett: Anyway, They call him Pirelli.

Doom: So what's his real name?

Mrs. Lovett: It's Pirelli. I've gotta stop using that phrase.

Beadle walks by

Doom: My God that man is wearing an iguana!

Sweeney: The only thing I hate more than a false accuser is an iguana killer!

Mrs. Lovett: No! Not here! There are too many witnesses!

Toby: banging on drum

Doom: checks watch Can we hurry this along?

Toby: Fine, God. passes bottle of elixir around

Sweeney: What is this?

Mrs. Lovett: too busy staring at Sweeney

Doom: sigh Smells like- ew.

Skippy: Pardon me sir-

Person: I'm a woman!

Skippy. Uuuugly!

Doom: Ouch.

Skippy: Pardon me mam what's that awful stench- Oh, it's you.

Pirelli comes out in his blue spandex suit and cape. Toby holds a fan up for a dramatic effect.

Pirelli: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Doom: checks watch

Pirelli: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Sweeney: looks around awkwardly

Pirelli: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Skippy: Where does he keep all that air?

Pirelli: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII takes deep breath Am Adolfo Pirelli. The king of da barbers. Da barber of kings. I blow you a kiss.

Skippy & Doom: Duck!

Sweeney: Where?

Fangirls: Ahhhh! We love you Pirelli! faint

Pirelli: Who says my elixir is piss?

Sweeney: I did. It's Todd. Sweeney Todd.

Skippy: So sexy! faints on Doom

Doom: falls over Help me!

Pirelli: There's only one way to settle this. We have to get up in this stage and river dance.

Mrs. Lovett: Careful Sweeney! He's a champion river dancer from Italy!

Sweeney: Will the Beadle be the judge?

Beadle: Ok! I love a good river dance!

Pirelli: And what makes you qualified to judge a river dance-off?

Beadle: I have a whistle.

Pirelli: Ah, but you don't have a feather in your hat.

Toby: gets out bagpipes On the downbeat!

Doom: gets violin I hope I can play this.

Sweeney and Pirelli begin river dancing to the music.

Pirelli: Ow! falls over

Toby: That's what ya get for river dancing in a thong!

Beadle: The winner is Todd!

Sweeney: keeps dancing

Skippy: jumps on stage and joins him I'm Skippy, Lord of the Dance! dramatic ending pose

Pirelli: pays Sweeney and then limps off stage


End file.
